There's a side to you I never Knew
by TasteTheSunshineDarling
Summary: Havok/Darwin Fan Fiction. AU, Chapters may be small. I'm not very good at summaries.Please Review.
1. Introduction

Alex had always felt out of place, even in his 'family', If you could call them. what did you call a group of people that adopted you to fill the place of their dead son? Alex spent his days outside, away from people, in a tree, under bleachers, on top of roofs. He had little fear of things, besides himself. His greatest fear was losing control. To watch another person die because of him, it was to much. Every night the man's face haunted him.

Alex was a shy person when it came to talking about himself; he never spoke of his biological family the one and only reason being that he did not know them. He rarely showed emotion, never cried, and never once dared to tell someone when something was wrong. He just wasn't that person. A hard ass, jerk, cut, those where the words that people yelled at him. He shrugged it off with a bitter laugh.

But there was a side to Alex that people didn't know. The side where he longed to be in a family that loved him, that treated him with respect. Inside he was kinder, all he wanted was to be accepted, but from a young age he realised he would never be accepted into the human society. Mutants never where. Alex was smart, in certain area, he was hard working, he was willing to do whatever he could to get what he wanted. But this young man was so lost, so deep down, hidden behind a mask. And while it was a cliché it was true.


	2. Monday's hangover

Alex struggled against the sun that had forced its way through the curtain and now was trying to open his eyes. With a heavy groan he rolled over away from the wall to face his bed side table. His left eye peeked open to catch a glimpse of the blazing red number that red 8.26am. For a moment he did nothing, then he realised he had over slept. There was a tangle of legs and blankets, as he struggled to get free from the covers, without any luck he fell to the floor with a thud.

"Ughh" he muttered grabbing his head before getting up more slowly. He patted over to the small bedroom that was adjoined to his bedroom, like most teachers of Xavier's had. Within 16 minutes he was dressed, though his brain was still trying to wake its self.

He grabbed his folder tucking it under his arm before he left his room to find his class, now running late. As he entered the room the class fell quiet, they knew not to misbehave when he was late. It usually meant he was in a bad mood.

"Open your textbooks to page" Alex looked at the sheet on his desk scanning for the number.

"Page 286" waving his hand around, he flopped into the chair resting his head in his hand. If students hated Monday mornings, well Alex loathed them. The hangover from yesterday not helping. He suddenly regretted going out on Saturday.

The class went on as it usually did, boring and Alex held no interest to teach people that did not want to learn. As the day came to end, he casually woke up, though his mood did not improve.

'_Alexander' _the voice rang in his head, a silent message from Charles. Just from the tone Alex knew he wanted to talk, he was halfway to his room before he did a U turn and headed back with some grumbled curse words that the students really shouldn't hear.

"Yes" Alex asked as he opened the door, he did nothing to act nice, or be pleased.

"There's something I need to show you, or rather someone" Charles stated from behind his desk, a smile on his face. Alex narrowed his eyes wondering what trick this was. But even before he could question him a man sitting in one of the chairs in front of his desk turned around. Alex, to busy wondering why he was here, had not noticed him.

"Hello Alex" the man sung out with a bright smile that held no fear or pain or memory of their last encounter. Alex looked at the man his face suddenly going pale, his eyes wide in shock surprise and something else.

"What" Alex stuttered out, his legs almost giving way as he looked to Darwin. Darwin rose from the seat about to speak before Alex dropped his folder and ran. Ok it was a childish move, but it was the only thing he could do from fainting, throwing up or doing something else. There stood the man who he had killed so many years ago. And while everyone told them it wasn't his fault he knew it was. It was his power, his fault that Darwin had died all those years ago. Alex pushed the doors open and ran down the steps until he was standing on the grass, leaning over suddenly feeling sick again. Whether it be from the hangover or from seeing Darwin alive.


	3. Time and Space

'_Alexander'_ the voice rang through his head. Alex shook his head and sunk down onto the steps resting his arms on his knees, the world suddenly seemed smaller, the fields, the trees: all so far away. His mind swam with all sorts of thoughts, yet he could not listen to one.

"I'm sorry" a voice called out. Even without looking over his shoulder Alex could tell it was Darwin. Still he looked over his shoulder squinting his eyes from the evening sun.

"You're dead" he said simply and turned back, his thumb running along the palm of his hand finding it suddenly fascinating. All he wanted was to be normal, fit in. Forget about the people he had killed. Had he not suffered enough?

"I..I don't blame you, you know that" Alex turned to face the other man who had now seated himself next to him on the cold stone step. Alex moved over wanting distance, why, he didn't know.

"No I don't know that, because I repeat you're dead" he turned with a huff never one for emotions or small talk. If anything he was known for being straight up and sometimes quiet. Without thinking Alex stood and looked down at Darwin.

"I need time, and space" was all he said, a little coldly, but that was him. Walking back up the steps he pushed the doors open as a group of teenagers came out running. Alex glared at them before walking inside suddenly feeling colder than before.

Back in his room he sat on the edge of his bed head in hands before falling back on the bed, staring at the white ceiling.

"Fuuuckkk" was all he said, wanting suddenly to be asleep, waking up to find it a bad dream. Like those he had right after Darwin had died. Those nightmares where he imagined Darwin coming back and blaming him. He had said it himself, he didn't blame him. But Alex knew that people would say anything, he could have just been sparing his feelings for all he knew.

That night he did not sleep, he lay there in the same clothes staring at the ceiling until he couldn't see it from the lack of light. Eventually light poured through, but he made no attempt to move.


	4. Two occasions

For some days Alex avoided any contact, he made bare minimum contact with his students and after each class finished he would return to his room until he either had a another class or it was morning. Darwin had on two occasions tried to make contact with him.

The first was the morning after revealing he was still alive. He had knocked on his door quietly, even though it was past 8am and he should have been awake. Alex opened it, pale blue toothbrush stuck in his mouth, his blonde hair tussled, his Pj's creased. Alex was not expecting Darwin; otherwise he would not have opened the door. But when he did his face was filled with a mix of shock, embarrassment at his state and something else. Taking the toothbrush from his mouth he ran a hand through his hair and stood half hidden behind the door.

"I'm busy" was all he said closing the door, but not before Darwin stuck his foot in the way.

"Please can we at least talk" Darwin pleaded, wanting nothing more than talk, to at least try to make a connection. From behind the door Alex sighed and opened it letting his face show.

"Tonight, I promise" he lied before faking a smile and closing the door. That morning he did not turn up to his first class. Instead he left the building to hide in his tree out of sight of the students and teachers.

The second time was some days later, a Thursday maybe. Alex had ventured outside his room and down the hall and to the library, that he knew would be almost empty that time of night. After sitting at a desk for some hours, to the point where his lamp was the one of the only three in the room. He lifted his head feeling a slight strain as he did so.

"Alex" the voice called out. The blonde head shoot up looking around in the twilight like darkness for the face. The voice was still so familiar yet foreign to him.

"I just wanted to talk" Darwin muttered stepping from the shadows and in front of the desk, leaning his hands on the back of the spare chair. Alex shook his head in protest, about to say no.

"God damn it Alex, we are going to talk" he almost shouted his knuckled tightening around the chair. He was sick of the stubborn attitude, of the avoidance like he wasn't there. He might as well have been dead.

"Why" Alex retorted standing to stack some of the book to the left of the desk, from biggest to smallest like he always did.

"What should we talk about Darwin?" he asked his voice sounding slightly of edge as he looked up at the other Mutant.

"I'll tell you how the conversation would go" walking around the desk he faced the other man, a couple centimetres shorter, yet bigger built to make up for it.

"'Hey Alex how you been?

Oh just great, you know?

That's great, oh by the way I don't blame you?

Oh well that's fantastic, let's be BFF's braid each other's hair, how about we go drink" Alex paused for a moment his eyes staring into the others.

"As much as you want to believe, you blame me, some small part of you. Deep down" Alex poked Darwin's chest where his heart was.

"And I can't deal with that. Not again" shaking his head he turned and left. He knew he should have been nicer, more welcoming. But he couldn't, not then. He needed time, needed something. What, he was unsure of. But he knew something was missing.


	5. Flashback

-Flashback-

There was one event In Alex's life that changed him, actually there were several, but this one particular incident changed him in a way, that he now feared himself. In turn, it was what led him to be so scared and afraid of Darwin returning, because he had seen the pain in the eyes. He had seen what it means to kill.

Shortly after killing the man Alex had fled to a nearby park, his body would not stop shaking, and every time he sat down his foot would tap without his word. He couldn't keep his hands still, and there was a funny feeling inside his stomach that made him want to throw up. That feeling was guilt. See Alex had not meant to kill the man; it was pure and utter self defence, a side of his powers he could not control.

Alex now sat alone by a tree not too far off from the graves, their marble and stone gleamed in the afternoon sunlight. It was hot, the air thick and sticky, the height of summer. A few bees buzzed around some flowers, before moving on to some newly lain roses. Alex looked at the grave; from where he was sat he could not make out the writing. But he knew it was the one, 3 stones in, 7 up. How could he forget?

For half day he sat there, until it as somewhere around 4, yet the sun had not faltered or moved. There was a shuffle, a sound of someone walking; Alex turned his head looking around the tree only to spot a group of people. A woman in her mid 40's whose hair had not been treated nor had any attention in some months, maybe years, she was slightly hunched over. Next to her was a man, her husband most likely, he was taller than her, not to lean, a small tummy that placed him around his 50's yet he looked younger in the face. His hair also had somehow aged more. Then there was the girl, her arms hugging herself despite the heat, her long t-shirt hugging her small frame. Out of the bunch she looked better off. No older than 14 he guessed, but what did Alex know. There was something in the way they walked, like the death of a loved one was only recent. The memories still burning on the back of their eye lids as they slept at night.

Alex watched them from the shaded tree, his knees hugging his chest as he watched them go between the rows, shuffling close together. For a moment, just glimpse he caught her eyes, the woman's. There was a look in them that he knew was familiar. He had seen it in his Adoptive parents. Sadness. A true sadness that rotted the soul until there was nothing left, so brutal and cruel that every time you looked at them you could tell they had lost someone. It wasn't jus the eyes but the way they walked. Small, hidden, afraid of the world. They had lost someone, someone dear. Alex knew that, not just an Aunt or Grandparent. No someone more, a son, a daughter, a child. Alex's heart clenched inside of him with a pity he understood. He had lost a sibling, maybe he wasn't dead but it was the same thing.

As they made their way through the stones, a sudden curiosity and dread filled him. Most of the graves around them where old, some years, some decades. The only reason to be buried here was because of family, because of pride. He stood carefully, watching them as they took each step. Slowly they came to a stop.

Alex swallowed the lump in his throat, swallowing the vomit that wanted to rise. That was the family, the family of the man he had killed. His legs almost gave way and he leaned a hand against the tree for support.

Without thinking Alex turned and threw up, the bitter taste lingering in his throat and nose burning. There was a small disturbance and as Alex turned he saw the Family looking at him, a mixture of expressions he could not make out form the distance. His head swam, thoughts, tones of them swimming around making him sick. Turning Alex fled the Cemetery vowing never to return. Not for them, but for his sake. He could not face watching them, the family, the grave. Feeling the sadness and loss. If they only knew he was the man that had killed their son.


	6. Just one touch

It had been some months now, Alex's mind had gradually become used to seeing Darwin around the mansion. And on one evening, when Darwin was walking towards his room, Alex had stopped him and asked him if he wanted to talk. This sparked something else, and from then on they would sit in Alex's classroom talking and chatting.

"I can't believe you did that" Darwin muttered his eye bright with laughter, it died slowly in his chest and he shifted in the seat. Alex gave a weak smile before his gaze shifted downwards.

"Well I grew up since then" his words ended the conversation about past pranks and mishaps. He didn't know why, but he hated to have Darwin think of him as a child that did nothing more than pranks. Keeping in mind Alex was nice, easy going, easily a favourite teacher of the students, yet he wanted to be known as something more. Alex was 25, a man to say the least. He had lost the youthful face, instead his jaw was harder, more angular, his eyes had become darker, there was always a hint of stubble and his pale blonde hair had turned dirty blonde. He was no longer the boy Darwin had known.

"We all did" the other man noted his eyes showing something that his face and words would not give away, maybe an understanding that they where no longer boys, no longer freshman, newbies, the new kid, whatever you called it. Alex did not move his gaze from the edge of the desk; instead he found comfort in not seeing Darwin's face. He would not admit he was scared to disappoint Darwin.

"Do you think things could have gone differently, you know, if maybe we saved Angel" at his words Alex's dark gaze shot up quicker than ever before. As suddenly as his gaze shifted his face turned hard.

"Let's not talk about it. Ok" he lifted his drink up to his lips, downing the remains of the brown liquid before setting the glass down on the desk. Alex never spoke about that day, no one did. Even Charles himself would stop the conversation at certain points. No one wanted to relive those days, those weeks. Something in Alex's eyes gave his thoughts away, and naturally Darwin leaned forwards in his chair wanting so badly, to touch Alex's hand.

"I'm sorry" his voice was a whisper and all Alex could do was give a silent nod his gaze once more turning down.

"I think I might go to bed" he uttered after a few minutes of silence, standing as he pushed the chair back.

"Goodnight Armando" was all he said as he left his classroom to go find shelter in his room. Darwin sat for 7 minutes and 46 seconds before he too followed the other mutant. He had no idea why, but he found himself outside Alex's door. One hand placed under the room number.

On the other side Alex sat on his bed under the sheets, all but light off, the room filled with a lonely silence as he hugged his blue sheets to his bare chest.

"Goodnight" Darwin muttered so quiet he too had trouble hearing his own voice, with a heavy heart he turned to find his own room one level above. Alex slept better knowing that the mutant wanted to reach out and touch his hand. Darwin slept little knowing he could have reached a little further and touched the other mans hand.


	7. Leaving is never simple

**AN: Sorry It's been a while that I've updated. Anyway I wanted to say thank you to everyone, I hope you like this one. I was listening to 'Jar of hearts' while writing this, in case it helps. **

It had been some months, time had passed in a movie like motion, some days passed so fast Darwin had trouble keeping up, while others passed by so slowly he longed for something, something more. He was back, and more lost than ever. He couldn't really teach like the others did, he had dropped out of school at the age of fifteen, and too much time had passed for him to try and catch up. He spent his days stacking books in the library, or walking around the school, which by his count, he had done over 126 times. There were days when he longed to find Alex and talk to him, it seemed that Alex was the only one not to ask him if he was ok, if he wanted to talk about. Everyone was fussing over him, he was still weak, but he hated that he was being treated that way. His head and heart never seemed to agree on anything. Alex seemed to make him forget about the past, he would listen with a willing ear, listen as Alex told stories of his years spent at the school. But nothing before that, nothing about what life was like as a child, or a teenager, nothing about what happened to them, about what happened on the beach. Every time he would bring the topic up Alex would give him a certain look; something between hurt, anger and... Sadness. Just by spending those few short months with him, he knew that there was a kinder, softer, nicer Alex deep down. But that it would never come up, and that the time he spent laughing and joking would be the closest he would come to that man inside.

That day was no different from any other, he had spent a few hours looking at books in the library, but grew bored as titles and covers became familiar, for a moment he wondered if Charles would consider making him the librarian but quickly dismissed the thought with a chuckle and a shake of his head. He ate lunch with the rest of the teachers, making small chit chat, that today seemed to be dull, filled with what student had excelled in training, or who had misbehaved. Like always, Alex was nowhere to be found. A couple weeks after sitting at the table he had politely asked a teacher next to him where Alex Summers was. The man had shook his head, a small smirk on his lips and said that Alex never ate with them, instead spent his lunch times outside, even in winter.

By the time the bell signalled to end the school day, Darwin was dragging his feet, boredom threatening to kill him, slowly. He had from one end of the building to the other, three times before he decided to visit Alex; maybe talking would cure him of the boredom, a boredom that to him meant something far greater.

4.25pm, it read on his watch, wrinkling his nose he walked up in the stairs trying not to make it look like he was rushing. Most teachers where a floor above the students, it made him wish Charles would add an elevator in, at least that way he wouldn't have to jog up three flight of stairs. Alex's door had become so familiar to Darwin, he imagined that if he closed his eyes, he would still be able to find it. About to knock on the dark brown door he noticed the already open door. Giving a small shrug he pushed it open, what he saw both confused and shocked him. All around the room where boxes, the pale cardboard a contrast to the usually dark room, clothes lay across the bed, books scattered around the desk by the window, in one corner where neatly stacked boxes, only a few, which he guessed where already packed full of things. At that moment Alex came out of the bathroom, a black marker stuck in his mouth and a box in his arm. The room was dark, mainly from the lack of sunlight, which in the passing months Darwin seemed to noticing missing from this room, but he could see the tired expression that seemed to weigh down Alex's usual composed face.

"What's going on?" Darwin finally asked out loud, surprised to find his voice a little unsteady.

Closing the door behind him he stood in front of it, his arms folded across his chest making the dark green shirt tighten around arms. Whatever Darwin expected, a room change, a yard sale, though he wondered how that one would work, he was beyond shocked, and somewhat angry at Alex's next words.

"I'm leaving" was all the blonde haired mutant said before placing the box on the pile in the corner, his gaze never once met Darwin's.


End file.
